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- Random Thoughts June 22nd
The Futility of Cheerleading
Cheerleading may be the most useless activity known to human civilization. Perhaps one day if we ever meet intelligent extra-terrestrial life forms they might be able to describe a more mindless activity, but I honestly doubt it. If they’ve managed to figure out intergalactic travel then their civilization probably evolved past the cerebral speed bump known as cheerleading eons ago.
These thoughts were brought to mind because of a cheerleading “camp” that is being held at the fitness center I frequent. Each workday afternoon for the past few weeks I’ve watches scores and scores of middle-school cheerleaders make their way in and out of the fitness center in droves, all mindlessly dancing in place and clapping their hands even as they attempt to walk down the street, a function many humans master by the age of six, but which still challenges these young girls.
I started to ask myself, ‘What is cheerleading?” What does it teach? What skills does one bring forth from it? Unfortunately, the answers I came up with were pretty grim. Here’s the best definition I can muster:
Cheerleading is a social activity that occasionally aims to rally a group of people in support of a team that is seeking to accomplish real athletic goals. This motivation is usually accomplished through music and dance, but never through fundamental leadership skills.
There–we’ll start with that.
It appears that cheerleading seeks to rally a crowd. However, I think we can all see through that façade. We’ve all attended sports games. Is cheerleading a focus of energy for the crowd or a distraction? It’s much like if someone started eating steak knives at a Cannibal Corpse concert. Sure, it’s interesting for about 30 seconds, but hey…Cannibal Corpse!
Even though it’s a fairly useless activity, perhaps there’s another reason one should be a cheerleader. Physical fitness perhaps? That could be valid. All that kicking and screaming and yelling and throwing has to be exhausting…ask any toddler. Once again, when viewed through the lens of reality cheerleading falls short as a way to sustain health. Why? Look at the evidence. Cheerleaders become cheerleading coaches. Cheerleading coaches generally weigh 180-190 pounds. Obviously, this isn’t a solution for long-term health. This evidence is further corroborated by attending high school reunions where most prior cheerleaders can be observed in a similar state of disrepair.
Looks like that’s another cheerleading benefit scratched off the list like a potential father at a paternity test.
Apparently some cheerleaders think they’ll reap big rewards in college scholarships. I remember hearing lots of talk in high school about this big name school and that big name school that recruited cheerleaders, but I don’t seem to remember anyone actually getting an athletic scholarship for cheerleading. I knew a few guys who got scholarships for football and baseball. None for cheerleading. Hmm. I’m sure it happens, but studies show cheerleaders usually end up failing at undergraduate studies anyway because they can’t find their way to class. Tragic.
Perhaps the benefits of cheerleading are less tangible. Sports in general are known for increasing confidence and self-esteem. Perhaps this is a core benefit of cheerleading? Ahh…not so much. Well, to be fair, I’m sure it does increase confidence and self-esteem in some girls. However, if cheerleading makes you feel better about yourself then you probably couldn’t think your way out of a paper bag to begin with. At least, not one of the big ones from a grocery store. Maybe one from a liquor store. Maybe.
Why would jumping up and down, shaking pom-pons, performing strange feats of flexibility, and other ridiculous cheerleading antics increase ones self-esteem? How far in the negative do you have to be for that to increase your self-worth? That’s a stock worth investing in, because it’s got nowhere to go but up.
It all seems pretty frivolous to me given the time invested. That’s the main issue: time. Every day young women all over the country are investing their afternoons and weekends in something that not only has very few rewards, tangible or intangible, but is looked down upon when it goes on in a bar and the “cheerleader” gets paid for it. I bet Joe the middle aged dad wouldn’t be so willing to drive his daughter to pole-swinging practice, but how different is it, really? At least a stripper gets paid.
So there you have it: a scientific explanation of the futility of cheerleading. Hopefully a few more years of human evolution will put this nasty black mark on society behind us. Until then I can only hope young women will pursue more worthwhile endeavors like underwater basket weaving or cooking delicious Thanksgiving dinners.
Oh my god, that was hilarious. The only thing is, I know so many people who would get offended because they are cheerleaders and they find a point in it. LOL. I had to bite my lip to keep from bursting out laughing where people walking by would think I’m stupid. Its a women-dominated sport you can say, so its explanation……might not work for you. I don’t mean to be sexist or anything, being a women myself, but you probably could definitly find something a little more….productive to spend time on.